Attempted Sanity

I only like you when I'm sober

2007-12-11T17:02:00.000-08:00

I only like you when I'm sober
cuz when I'm fucked up that's all I need
& I wish I was good enough for you
or at least that you accepted me for me
but I don't see that day coming
so I'm just gonna smoke up this weed
then maybe one day I'll forget about you
or maybe one day you'll care enough to see

I'm keeping my phone by my side
hoping you'll call it tonight
I'm thinking about you... but I don't know if I'm on your mind
& I don't know who's laying by your side
I know the way you treat me ain't right
but I can't help how I feel inside

Falling away from the Earth
none of my senses work
what happened to my self-control?
how did I get this deep in the hole?
do I have to except this as my reality?
where can I find answers to questions such as these?
am I figuring this out to late?
if I fix this will something else take it's place?
why am I afraid to close my eyes?
I secretly hope I'll run out of places to hide
I can't explain what is wrong with me
it's like too much negative energy
a depressive shield over my body and mind
I'm trying to think but falling behind

So there's this boy...
he's got me so baffled
I don't know whether to run away now
and protect myself from my feelings
or whether to stay and play the game
and put off my pain...

Stupid Bitch

2007-12-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

"Cute skirt"
"You like it?"
"Yea, easy access"
"Um, ok..."
"Want a drink?"
"Sure"
"Here, have another"
"...ok..."
"You need to relax, have fun"
"Why are you doing that?"
"I just wanted to kiss your necka lil bit, is that a crime?"
"No..."
"Ok then"
"Could you please stop that?"
"What, am I not allowed to touch you there?"
"Please don't"
"Goddam girl, what's your problem?"
"You know I'm only thriteen years old right?"
"So?"
"I wanna go home"
"Why? You're a big girl arn't you?"
"I guess"
"Have another drink then"
"Dude, you're drunk"
"Not too drunk to know what I want"
"Please let go of me"
"Why, when you know you want it?"
"Hey man, help me hold down this white bitch"
"Someone needs to teach her a fucking lesson"
"Yea, maybe she'll show a little more respect next time"
"You stupid bitch"

Random thoughts

2007-11-30T00:16:00.000-08:00

I'm so fucking happy,
I think I could cry.
I punched that bitch,
gave her a black eye.
She fell to the floor,
like any other whore.
And now I'm so happy,
I could just fucking die.

Tell me where
Can I hear
the Lord's Prayer
in my ear?

Tell me why
do we fly
our young men
off to die?

Tell me when
does our sin
come to it's end
or even begin?

I'm not sorry that you can't understand
no matter how much I wish you did
it's just my reality, it's what I've been through
And it's effected the life that I've lived
as much as I hate you, I still want you to know
how much pain was caused by you
And I wish you could see, your words were the snow
that fell and turned me cold

My souls for sale
you can't fake this shit
wasting away in my personal jail
I can't remember what I'm feeling
or what I'm even supposed to be
I've locked myself up in my own reality
my head is in a cloud
I'm doing nothing about it, I can't
I'm letting myself drown
in a hypnosis, engulfed in a frown
there's flames all around but I'm just sitting down

I guess we're only afraid of the ghost....
when we're in the darkness

I took you out like yesterdays trash
I shook up your thoughts
and made you come to a crash

Fuck you, I love you
I hate you, I want you
I abuse you, I use you
I keep you confused
I drug you, I hug you
I rape you, I love you
You haunt me, you taunt me
you play me, you want me
you crown me, you drown me
you keep putting me down
you hate me, you degrate me
you stalk me, you create me
Fuck you, I love you
I want you to change me

I think some people were just bron with a broken heart
it's just their fate, what they're meant for
some people have their heart broken in childhood
when they were broken down or abused
others have their hearts broken by love or some bullshit like that
but by the relieving moment of death,
we'll all have a broken heart

She's not one of those girls
from the glossy pages of a magazine
her life is empty & scary
she's afraid to cause a scene
she's the only one who dosen't know
how beautiful she really is
but this is no runway show
she is not Miss July
how can you have self-confidence
when you feel like shit inside?
because when your addictions
get the best of you
you can't help but put restrictions
on an unspoken truth
it smells like alcohol, it feels like drugs
she feels like lying to herself
over her ciggarette butts

let me ask,
because I don't think I know
how did this mask
get buried in snow
what does this world have
for a helpless girl like me
After I'm free from the chains
of my self-imposed slavery?

I can hug my pillow all I want...
but I can't pretend it's you

Free Verse

Why, can somebody please tell me,
do the people of my country...
place themselves in their own captivity?
I want to tear down these walls
that separate me from my neighbor
I wanted to write about freedom
about the shackles we place around our feet

So this is freedom...
being free to live in these cities
free to work so our babies can eat
freedom isn't glamorous
& freedom isn't sweet or easy
but is it free?

They say this is my freedom
Is living between these walls my freedom?
am I free of body as I'm free of mind?
the youth of my country know better
we owe our stupidity to these schools
and our eductaion to each other

We are only free to question

Nobody

2007-11-07T16:41:00.000-08:00

There's nobody here...
the house is quiet.
My only friend...
is a beam of sunlight,
coming through the window,
and illuminating the dust in the air.

This is going nowhere
but, hey, I can pretend.
So guess what?
-I've decided to give in-

Even when a tear rolls down my face,
you just look at me blankly.
You've left me with just one thing left to say:
If you arn't what I want,
then why can it make me cry?

unsent letters... I'll just eventually through away...
unread poetry... just pulls me more away...
too bad you;ll never know... I'm not really okay...

Bitch

2007-11-06T15:25:00.000-08:00

A smirk on my face, a wink of my eye
c'mon baby, give me another try
when you wake up, I'll be gone
but I'll leave you with one hell of a song
It'll taste so good and you'll want a sip
but you won't get no kisses from my lips
As I swish my hips I just walk on by
I just fuck a bitch and make her cry
but in the end that's not what I need
cuz in the end that bitch is me

random things from my notebook

2007-10-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

I stayed with you,
even though I couldn't pretend every word out of your mouth wasn't a lie.
And I stayed with you,
even though you couldn't be faithful if you tried.
And you made me want to jump off a cliff,
but somehow that was allright.
And I left you,
even though it can still make me cry.

I guess it's been okay for the most part.
What else can you say about a broken heart?
You said you never meant to hurt me,
you saw me bleed as you got down on one knee.
My blood ran stiff as you touched my lips,
and put me in the bliss of our first kiss.
You looked at my blankly,
as a tear rolled down my face.
As you looked me in my eyes,
like your lies were okay.

I wish I could sing...
about the pain you bring
or the engagement ring
that I no longer need

When I told you I was doing allright,
it wasn't even a lie.
I've had alot of fun,
been keeping it tight.
But,yeah, I admit there are times,
when it's hard to fall asleep alone.
But I'm not about to fall to my knees,
and beg you to come back home.
I have my reasons for everything,
I probably even had a reason to care.
This has been painful, wonderful, scary,
and I'm glad we had something to share.
All I'm trying to say,
is I miss you to this day.

I hate you
When you're not sleeping next to me... I hate you!
but what hurts worse...
is that you want to sleep next to me, too
But Can't!
So here's a thought...
What are two people supposed to do...
When the only thing that makes life worth living...
is each other?
But, yet, they can't be together?

How do I feel?
I'm only afraid.
I'm not a young girl,
I've been through this before.

What's the appeal?
it's like lemonade.
A sugary thrill,
it's making me want more.

Stripper pole
sink a hole
go right through the gates of hell

sink in fire
sleep it off
makeshift mothers twist & yell

thrown around
drop your crown
no such thing as happiness

My fire is sleeping
it's eating what you're dreaming
I don't mean to seem envious
but I feel like screaming.
But no one would hear me
I'm alone when you're near me
If you were here to hold me
maybe for a moment you wouldn't scold me
I can't explain what is wrong with me
it's like too much negative energy
a depressive shield over my body & mind
I'm trying to think, but falling behind

I'm not alone.
THEY'RE here.
I can't see them but I feel them.
It's like something in the air.
It's an uneasiness,
a creepiness,
a built-in fear.
It's a reminder of a past,
a lingering pain,
stagnant air you can't fully grasp or contain.

-Kim

how indie?

2007-10-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

You Are 77% Indie

You're a very indie person, and admit it, you look down a little on people who strive to be normal.
You'll indulge in a little mainstream pop culture every now and then. But for you, anything not indie is a guilty pleasure!

cage the insane

2007-10-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

I wake you up to watch me hurt myself
my burnt bridges wondering why I burnt myself
I ain't talking to you so just accept it
it's trying to kill me and I might let it
serving demons in a can,
drink it up!
you're mother's gonna be proud of her pretty little pup
your secret pains are hanging from the wall,
and driping of your freedom,
you just watch it fall
a punch in the face, might be what you need
freedom and space, are you're foolish plea's
Maybe I'm a preacher, a teacher, or a whore
but my knife is searing through your very core
it was all our ancestor who picked fruit off that tree
accept we're sinners and just let it be
too tired but we still go on,
morning light sings a dreaded song
empty the ashtray, get rid of the waste
they hold secret imperfections that I just can't take
the person I thought I was, and the person I wanna be
are two-timing bitches with no reality
the fake is the real and the real isn't true
the views are distorted and the people are left confused

-Kim

the mess that used to be me

2007-10-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

I was thinking of this idea for a purse: I could get a shoulder purse and take off the strap and put a pair of handcuffs as the strap. I think that would be tight as hell but I don't know how much it would cost to do that. God, I'm all excited about it. I love coming up with my own ideas for clothing and all that, it makes me feel original, ya know? Maybe that's how we all wanna feel? Like we just wanna be us and nobody else. When someone else tries to copy us it's flattering, but dosen't it also kinda piss you off? And it makes you lose respect for that person, like you feel better then them? I know it's horrible to feel like you're better then someone, but when they try to copy you it's hard not to. Another thing, I find that when I'm happy or content, that I can't write anything good. I can only write poetry when I'm frustrated or hurt. Yeah, I know that art is the lovechild of pain but there are really good artists out there that can write really good shit that is happy. I wish I had that talent! But, yeah, I guess writing is just a form of therapy for me and that's why "happy writing" isn't something I can really do. I like to challenge myself though, and I'm kinda inspired by Shel Silverstien (or whatever the name is) and Roald Gahl ( the guy famous for writing the songs in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) to try and write cute, childish poetry. I just like to step out of my comfort zone and see if I can do more than I thought I could, ya know? But, yeah, I'm really excited about making that purse!!

Maybe being "mentally healthy" isn't all it's cracked up to be... maybe it's funner to be crazy... sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't try to work against my "illness" but then that could end up with even worse results. It's just a daily fight that I fight alone. I don't go arounf complaining about it and making sure everyone I know knows about it the way other annoying people do with there problems. That's just not the way I am, but it really is a huge part of my life. The only reason I write about it on here is because blogging to me is a form of therapy. I wish I had stuck with the therapy my high school admistrator was trying to make me go to.. but I wasn't ready to deal with it all at that time and now I am. God, I've come a long way in the lasts few years!! In a lot of ways! I was fucked up in the head in high school...
I wish my family knew me... all they know is the mess that used to be me. I'm a hider.. the people I have known my whole life don't know me at all because I've always been ashamed of who I am. I'm kinda picking up the pieces now or cleaning out the closet (to use a couple cliches). And let me tell ya, my closet could use a lot of dusting!!!

Pride, abortion, race, and the school system - fun fun!

2007-10-24T03:25:00.000-07:00

Why do people continue to talk and be friends with people that they know they shouldn't? Brian fucking pisses me off with that shit. He'll have friends that will go around talking so much shit about him and even make up insane lies about him but even after all that he is still trying to be friends with these people. I guess I just have too much pride for that but I think that amount of pride is healthy and it's something you really need to check yourself on if you ain't got alot of it. Another thing, there were these retarted ass people standing on dodge street a few weeks ago holding up pro-life signs and shit and looking like retards. For some reason that just really annoyed me. Funny thing is, in an ideal world, I would be 100% pro-life. But this isn't an ideal world, this is the REAL world and in the real world it's best for everybody if abortion is legal and available. I don't think it's right to kill your unborn child at all but I ain't gonna lie to myself like everyone else seems to love to do to themselves, because if you actually take a look at REALITY, you'll see that once in awhile what is ideal dosen't really work. If women who want abortions can't get them, then they are just going to have a kid they don't want. Those are the kids who are gonna grow up with fucked up heads because of the shitty way they were raised, many are going to be abused by their parents, many are gonna grow up to be killers, many are going to have alot of issues that is just going to cause more issues by the way they treat, react, and respond to the people around them and in their lives, and many of them are going to sit their lives out in jail. Don't try telling me that is not true and don't give me examples of people whose parents didn't want them and they turned out fine because those are certain cases not all the cases on the whole. In the REAL world, it's best if these people just get aborted before they are put through all that. In the UTOPIAN world, pro-life is definatly the way to go. See the difference there? The fact that option for abortion is there does not mean that if someone is pro-life that anyone is going to make them abort their baby, no one is forcing you! The option should be there for the people who truely do not want to have a kid. Now, I know what people would say to that last statement: "Well, if they don't want to have a kid then they shouldn't have gotten pregnant". Once again, those are the words of an IDEALIST. If the world worked idealy, then, yes, that would apply. Here in the real world, accidental pregnacies are still going to happen all the time. Why should those unwanted children be put through what they most likely will? It's funny that pro-life people are usually pro-capital punishment as well. I wonder if they ever stop to realize that the people they are killing with capital punishment are the same exact demographic that they are saving with pro-life? So basically their views are bringing people into this world to kill them, or fill the jails with them.
Another retarted ass thing is how much importance and thought people put into race. In reality, race is a very random thing to divide humans into groups by. Race is also a very new concept. Before the last 500 years or so, people recognized that people from different areas looked differently but they didn't think of them as a completely different group of family history. Racism is almost a stupid word to exist because we divide and disciminate on every difference between each other, we just like to single out that particular difference. It just shows how little we need to know about somebody before we decide we know enough to form opinions. You'd never hear someone say "People with type o blood are sooooo good at dancing". You'd think it was ridiculous if you heard that, but if you heard "Black people are sooo good at dancing", you wouldn't think anything of it. Those two differences are only different because one is obvious on the outside and one isn't. Yes, I do realize that people who physically look the same tend to flock together, you could say, as in they tend to live in the same neighborhoods and all that and because of that culture plays a huge role in that people with similar outside appearances are more likely to have some things in common because of the culture of where they came from but that's a completely different point from the one I was trying to make.
And one more thing on the abortion issue: If women can't get legal abortions, many are going to get illegal abortions anyway! I have personally witnessed young females who have found out they're pregnant drink massive amounts of alcohol in an attempt to miscarry their unborn child. I have also known young females to purposely miscarry in other, much worse, ways that I'm not even going to write here. Other newborn babies are found in dumpsters because their mothers didn't want them. Would you rather the kid gets aborted at 2 months in the womb or gets thrown in a dumpster after birth to die much more painfully? People can say all they want that that shit dosen't happen but it does. The alcohol miscarriages are actually very common. Another thing that these kids might face is retardation because their mother is more likely to drink and do drugs while pregnant if it's a kid she didn't really plan on becoming pregnant with, and they are more likely to be crack-babies and other similar things. Crack babies effect alot more than they apear to. My elementary school was a good example of that, they were so strung up on not offending anyone that instead of putting the crack-babies with learning disabilities in separate classes like they did with other people with learning disabilities, they just brought the level of the regular classes down to the level of the crack-babies (and, yes, this is true, I can even remember each "crack-babies" name).
That gets me into the next thing I wanted to rant about: the school system! I have attented Laura Dodge Elememtary, Lothrop Elementary, Morton Middle School, and Omaha North High School (all in the ops school system) and I can honestly say that I do not owe a single bit of my education to any of those schools! In fact, I saw the people around become dumber because of the daily diet of bullshit those schools fed them. We were taught everything from very selective bits of history, much of which were so selective that it was basically false, to being fed very biased opinions and views on the world as if they were factual. The only thing these schools have any business trying to teach is math because it's the only thing they can seem to teach correctly, not that they even teach that well. I'm a high school drop-out and I know more about the world, math philosophy, geography, social dynamics, and pretty much just REALITY then just about every high school graduate I know. In fact, I know more about those things then just about anyone I've ever met and I don't think I would be able to honestly say that if I had given my schools the ability to influence me in any way. Everything I learned in high school was through my observations of the whole experience and what was going on around me, and I learned a lot by realizing and knowing that what the teachers were saying was a whole bunch of bullshit. Schools are also very dunbed down anyway. Like I said about the crack-babies in my elementary school but this time it's because of people from low class societies that they don't want to offend by making the material too hard.
I guess I'm done for now because I need to sleep but expect me to be adding more on to this later because I sure do got alot to fucking say.

-Kim

subconcious thoughts

2007-10-20T18:37:00.001-07:00

Walking down a different path
singing along to songs of wrath
pushing branches out my face
signing away the waste
sitting here completely gone
dusty veneer, empty & strong
pretty face, covered in lace
wasting the days
ain't living with no trace
giving feeling, seeing truth
white girls, red souls
deadly fruits come home to you
freeing your mind & letting it loose
dirty, wet, the sickness onsets
I got this far to go nowhere
blow this bomb on these insects
what I know, they don't know
going off, explode the fragments
gone crazy years ago
was never even sane
brains got me knowing names
lurking monster creeping up on me
one day soon catching up with me
my pen can only say what he see's
lurking fear on mediocracy
wasted life, wanted time
no pretty currency, no time-back dime
going in circle logic, feeling this again
the holding shed for this crime
red-headed leadbelly
gon' get in the shed with me
sharp edges, pain & pleasure
ain't woth it but can't hurt a feather
broke them glasses, wishing I could see
candid moments ain't reality
just pretty pictures, pointing out the everyday
don't notice it or backfire
kill game & make fame
pretty little fake girl with a common name
motionless threshold
imagine busting through his mold
this path is getting old
pay her off if you're bold
scars on your body with memories attached
a sign this is real from mental collapse
pouring down your throat
holding your nose
trying to avoid a relapse
it's the past you're trying to expose
I'm crazy, I'm real, I'm not concealed
listen, expand, sudden appeal
feel guilty, it's part of the deal
buy the ticket to eat the meal
shift the blame
cage the insane
can't remember a damn thing
ugly lady tells you maybe
you remember that you're lame
reality is going crazy
just lay with me to numb the pain
living in clutter with more to block out
you plan to get around to things sometime
meaning to is what you're about,
inhibtions you forget
when you're lost in imaginary frets
the subsitute is just as good
better in the best respects
boiling over, bumpy weather
dancing fools with bread & butter
today wasn't a total waste
but tommorrow is another

-Kim

my haunted house

2007-10-20T00:39:00.000-07:00

We'll my house is haunted. It's always been haunted though, this isn't anything new. I'm alone here at night a lot and a lot of the time I can feel the ghosts. I haven't really seen much but you know when it's around because you can feel it's presence. It's eerie sitting at this computer by myself at night and I'm always looking behind me because I can feel someone's around. I can feel it right now actually, and no, I'm not crazy. Other people who come to this house say they can feel it, too. Most of time I just deal with it, but sometimes it scares the shit out of me. This house has inspired in me an idea for a sci-fi type story. It is about a girl who is alive but her soul haunts her own house. So, basically, she haunts herself. It comes from the idea that ghosts might just be strong emotions that were felt by someone in a area and the emotions stayed and manifested. So, if it's like that, then why can't a ghost be the ghost of someone who is still alive? In fact, I doubt that it is uncommon at all. The only problem though, is that I have no idea how to even start this story.

heroin poetry ♥

2007-10-18T03:17:00.000-07:00

I think I've finally hit the bottom
it'd be so easy to die right now
heroin is one crazy bitch
one kiss on my lips
and i can't live without her

Christmas Day, 2003
all alone by the Christmas tree
a shotgun in one hand
a syringe in the other
I'm down on both knees
praying to recover

you can yell at me all you want
trust me, I often yell at myself
but it's not a rush through my veins I want anymore
it's the ability to stay sane without heroin's help...

I got into this relationship to numb the pain...
I want to get out of it to end the pain...
I often wonder if I know what normal is anymore
she is everything

I'm not religious,
but sometimes I wonder...
will I one day find myself in heaven or hell,
having to explain to my dead mother
that I wasn't at her funeral
because I didn't have enough diesel in my blood
to even get out of bed?

I guess this is my love song,
to my favorite drug
some sick & twisted love song
straight from my head
My whole life is up to her
how I feel, where I go
whether I pay my rent,
and whether I'm still here tomorrow

I'm laying on this cement floor
my whole body is on fire...
the pain is so intense that I'm looking around the room,
looking for a way to die.
As I bash my head against the stone wall,
I feel like possibly the lonliest figure in the entire world...
and all this because I haven't shot up in almost 48 hours

SO you wish you could get anything you wanted, anytime you wanted?
Well, imagine you did have the power...
imagine you could take & take & takeuntil you get to the point where the taking is something you HAVE to do,
And for the first time in your pathetic life
your spoiled ass can't get what you want!

So what if I like it better,
down here at the bottom of everything
underneath the soil, the oceans,
in a place most don't know exist
a place parents lie about to their kids
a place called heroin addiction...

scars on my viens
but I still want more
hard-knock youth
getting up from the floor
forgot who I was
just a zombie anymore

free-based, two-faced pretty little girl
can't get enough dirty-viened hell
free-based, two-faced dirty little drug
that's my idea of true love

I hate today
the sky is raining
the house is empty
my body's aching
I hate today

Hidden behind the make-up you paint your ugly face with
is your secret little lies and the pride you try to keep
you don't got a friend in the world, not a place that you're welcome
your frustrations are numbed as you try to fall asleep on a park bench
it's the funniest thing in the world and you can't wait for your next hit

I don't know why but I feel like I'm dying
or is it that I feel like I'm dead?
So, yeah, maybe not all cylinders are firing
I could be cured with just one bullet to the head

-Kim

2007-10-17T23:09:00.000-07:00

What up? I'm so blocked as of what to say right now... I feel as if I want to write and have something to say, but that's just it, maybe I want to have something to say but don't really get passed the block when I sit down and try for other people. To me, in my head though, I make perfect sense... borderline physic sense. Of course, it's not that I'm really physic in the sense that you see in movies and T.V. shows. I think having good sense can mean that you can basically tell the future by just looking at the world and situations as they actually are, and not let your mind be clouded in any way. This is why I have abandoned the idea of "you never know what will happen". You can know what is the most likely thing to happen, and I think we might all have this power deep down. It could be brought out by what appears to a be a simple change in thought, not letting your past or what others say or portray to be a hinderance to looking at a situation and really be honest with yourself about what is going on and what is going through others minds. It has a lot to do with your intuition or your "gut". It's that feeling you get in your body that has nothing to do with any process of thought. Your body is very intelligent, in some ways the human body is more intelligent than the human mind because the mind is cunning and trickful. It can decieve you. Your body dosen't know how to lie and that works to your advantage. It's what you want to believe vs. what is the most usefull for you to believe. In the long run, you know which one will bring you more happiness. Defense mechanisms work for awhile but they'll come back to you. It's better to just eliminate instead of hide away.

Links

2007-10-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

http://www.funnyordie.com/ - fucking hilarious videos!! alot of sites like this are supposed to be funny but this is by far the best and it was started by Will Ferrell... who I love!
http://www.funnyordie.com/i_kiss_girls101 - this is where I have a list of all my favorite videos from that site and I highly recommend you watch them!
http://www.musicmademe.com/ - I've found ALOT of great bands and music here. There's nothing more I can say then that.
http://www.purevolume.com/ - Bands put up mp3's of their music here... and you can find alot of mp3's here that you can't get of file sharing.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ - people decorate post cards with their deepest secrets and anonymously send them to this guy who puts them on his blog... it's very interesting...

short story

2007-10-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

Well, nobody knows what I did. I mean, they notice the cat is missing, but Thomas being an outside cat, they figure he's just gone away for a few days and will be back. I know this because of the conversation about it among the family: "Damn, have you seen Thomas lately?", "No, I wouldn't worry about it too much.". "He's just hiding in the bushes somwhere." I'm aware they have formed somewhat of a humanly attachment to this cat, because of the way it would delight them when the cat would brush against Grandma's leg or curl up in Bridgette's lap during those old family nights on the porch. My family has never had much in common with each other, and nights on the porch were my mother's attempt at "being a family". Not having much to talk about, we would comment on our surroundings mostly, and this cat gave us conversation. I'm wondering when they'll notice Thomas is gone for good. I'm thinking it will be a gradual realization, one where they will exxagerate to their friends the length of time since he was last seen. I am plagued with this secret, and I'm not entirely confident that I won't eventually be found out. I know the only way they could know is if they were hinted by something I said but I can picture myself letting something slip on purpose. I would justify this in my mind because I didn't say anything directly.
It makes me wonder how my family would react to knowing what I did. They've never been the type to hide emotion and they arn't afraid of looking ridiculous. They are also the type of people who complain but don't do anything about it. Knowing them, I would say they wouldn't do much besides hate me for awhile and consider me crazy for the rest of our time as a family.
What am I worrying about, though? They'll never know...

-Kim

2007-10-06T03:49:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just sit around and think of all the things you should have said? all the missed opportunities? Or all those times when you kept your mouth shut and just pretended not to know as maybe a way of pretending it wasn't true? Then just sit around and feel regret... knowing that it's pointless because there's really nothing you can do about it now. It's one of the tragedys of life: what's done is done. And there is nothing at all you can do to change it!

Dear Friend,

2007-10-02T04:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Friend,
I'm writing you this letter,
just in case you didn't know,
that's it's completely fucked up,
that every night I go to sleep alone.
You left me here waiting and wondering,
when you're ever coming home,
and it's fucked up that you are where you are,
and that the last time I saw you,
you were mouthing the words "I love you",
from the back of a cop car.
So I'm writing you this little rhyme,
just to let you know,
I think about you all the time,
and I can't wait for you to come home.
Love,
Your Best Friend

A look in my autistic mind

2007-10-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

My family just thinks I'm crazy. They don't understand how frustrating being like me is. How I have to constantly adjust what I see and think in and about the world around me, and how I have to constantly question my views. They think I cry easily because they don't understand why I cry. My whole life I have hidden and pretended I wasn't this way. Yea, I have become very good at acting... but that's what happens when you're constantly acting your whole life, but it still shows and people can still tell. What makes it even worse is that keeping my secret from the world just makes me look crazy or stupid. In a way, maybe I am both of those things. Still, I don't know what it's like to live even one day without frustration. I'm not complaining and I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just trying to express what is going on with me. Through everything, I have found writing to be an outlet. When I write, I don't have to hide. I know how to communicate what I am trying to say when I write, and that isn't always the case when I speak. I'm always so afraid that people will not like me for being the way I am. I wish it was something I could be completely open about and no one would think any less of me for it. I fear that poeple would start to think of me as just an autistic person and not as autism being just one part of who I am. I view it more as the hurdle that I have been jumping my whole life and am still not over yet. In a way, I'm proud of how well I've kept it under control, but that only makes it better from the outside. The frustration is still there no matter what. Intellectually, I know that if I wait until each individual person really gets to know me before I tell them what's wrong with me, that they won't think of me much differently. I also know that people have a very warped idea of what autism is and what an autistic person is supposed to be like. Let me explain to you then what my experience with this disorder has been. I feel as though I skipped the basics, you could say. I was reading when I was a very young child, when other people my age barely knew the alphabet. I could read whole "chapter books" in a couple of hours by the time I was in the second grade. Things like human psychology and social structure have always seemed like common sense to me even when I was a very young kid, while other people study at universities to understand what I understand. I could honestly write a book about psychology or philosophy and that's without having ever studied those subjects at all... I'd just go on what I observed. As much as I hate to admit it, I was very retarted. I always thought that the kids my age thought I was wierd, and maybe they did, but on the other hand, my teachers in school thought I was some type of genius. Not so much anymore, but when I was younger I tended to get obsessions with things, or I'd focus on one thing for a very long amount of time, especially with food. I'll focus on one food and eat it or at least want to eat it constantly for months or even years. On the other hand of that, there are other things that I can only focus on for very short amount of times, like all my writing is done in short bursts and if I don't get it done during that time then I won't get it done at all usually. Which is part of the reason I decided to write a book, to challenge myself to stick with something that is a huge project that takes a long amount of time. The aspect of it all that causes me all the frustration though, is the social aspect. I get these feelings that are called "social anxiety", which is pretty much just being nervous around people. I've missed out on so many opportunities and experiences in my life because of it. Basically, the behavorial aspect of it is that I will rarely call anybody or do anything where I'm intiating conversation. Poeple tend to think that I don't like them because of it and I hate giving people that impression. I'm assumed to be a "bitch" because of it and because I get frustrated and people don't know why. That is something that I have been doing a lot better on in the last couple of years but it used to a lot worse. It's another thing that no one has ever really understood, and it's gotten me in trouble with my parents countless times. They would get mad because they didn't understand why I couldn't do a simple task like get the waiters attention or go ask the person at a front desk somewhere a question. There I was, this little girl, just wishing I could tell them how hard it was for me but I was too embarrased to tell them that, so I got yelled at and was told I was stupid for something I honestly couldn't help. That is something I spent many hours crying about alone in my bedroom over the years, the way my family would treat me. Nowadays, in those situations where I have to talk to a complete stranger or whatever, I can do it and I even act like it's nothing, but that is because I've learned to do things despite my mind telling me not to do them. Although, the whole time I still feel that anxiety that I've always felt, and this just everyday things. Once I get to know somebody, it dosen't affect me too much. I have a form of autism called Asperger Syndrome. It's not the autism that people generally think of when they think of autism, it's more of having a somewhat autistic mind but on the outside you look normal. It has been described as having a "dash of autism". The characterisitics of it tend to be someone who apears to be really "shy" and often have "genius qualities". Unfortunately, I haven't found my genius quality yet other than the fact that I can photographically remember how to spell words and have always been somewhat "smart", but other people who have it are often very talented musicians or artists or mathematicians. In fact, a lot of the great painters amd songwriters now and in history had Asperger Syndrome, and some people who have it tend to have a "calculator mind" where they can figure math problems instantly like Rainman (Rianman was actually autistic...) Asperger Syndrome is the least understood of all the disorders similiar to it and most poeple who have it have to deal with it silently. Poeple don't understand that someone being autistic dosen't mean that they don't have a lot going on for them besides that and that even though having autism technically makes you "retarted" in the medical sense, you arn't necessarily "retarted" in the slang meaning of the word. For me personally, it has caused me more pain than anything else I have had to deal with, but, hey, who else do you know can make autism look this sexy?

-Kim

Nevermind.

2007-09-29T23:41:00.001-07:00

I wanna give 110 percent,
just to have it thrown back in my face.
I wan't something short & fun,
I wanna call it a disgrace.
Let me think I'm in love with you,
make me insecure.
Leave me with a scar,
or give me something to fear.
Give me something exciting,
something I can cry about to my friends.
I like it better when I'm fighting,
to keep a love from coming to an end.
Never let my thoughts stray too far from you,
so I can drink it all away.
And no matter what you do,
don't give me the time of day.
You make it so fucking simple,
to just push you to the side.
Give me a challenge, Babe,
take me for a ride.
But you don't seem to understand,
So, shit, nevermind.

-Kim

Six Billion Lonely People

2007-09-25T15:37:00.000-07:00

I wrote this poem in about 5 minutes last night... I'm not sure what to call it...

I'm just a lonely man,
doing the best he can.
Six billion people but we're all alone.
Got nowhere to hang my hat,
nowhere to call home.
In the end, we all give up,
six billion people down on their luck.
Childhood dreams are forgotten somewhere,
somewhere trying to make a few bucks.
It's a sad world,
when government ain't the rulers
just the bullies, killing us off one by one.
George Bush ain't no better than Saddam Hussein.
So when will the day come,
when we get to see Bush hang?
When will we finally see,
history classes teaching reality?
And put an end to this bullshit,
that we're telling our nations kids?
I got a lot of questions,
but not to many answers are offered.
The smallest dispute and people will call a law firm,
suing because the world did them wrong,
really we just chose to be stupid all along.
When they tell us we're not happy, we believe it.
It's a billion dollar business and I'm leaving it.
They show us something better than ourselves,
and knock down our self-esteem,
to make money off our insecurity.
Anything you pay for is playing you,
too many t.v. commercials have a nation convinced they don't have a right to choose.
I'm not talking about abortion,
I'm talking about social control.
Being guided by the media
and by the schools in which we enroll.
The schools that teach us to read the wrong way,
government sanctioned to regulate our intelligence.
If they keep all the people dumb,
then their high society has won.

Kim

a stream of my thoughts

2007-09-19T21:58:00.000-07:00

Life is complicated... you gotta figure it out. I've spent my whole life so far trying to figure everything out... and I think everyone else has as well. Or maybe everyone elses living experience has been completely different from mine? Like in horoscopes, no matter what you get, everyone can agree that it fits them. Maybe it's like that? Maybe other people haven't tried to figure it out in quite the way that I have. We can just all apply that to our lives in some way because our brains make those connections. But on the other hand I really do think that everyone is just like me in that way.
Or maybe there's really nothing to figure out about life.. and the complications are all in our brians, things we invent naturally. I'm constantly learning lessons about every aspect of life. It's a journey with no destination. Never at any point does anybody say, "Well, I've got it all figured it now." Unless, they are stupid.. and we can ALL be stupid at times!! Shit, I'll admit to my fair share of stupidity... because that's completely normal. Stupidity, I mean. It's normal to be stupid. And what's even more normal? Ignorance. And there's a huge difference between stupidity and ignorance. But we all have a shitload of both.
Anyway,
lately I've been downloading alot of music... I'll download the top 4 or 5 songs by a band I've never even heard of before and listen to them. If they're good then I'll keep them, If not then I'll delete them. I've already learned about a whole bunch of good bands. Some examples: A Day to Rememeber, Bobaflex, Dead Prez, and Immortal Technique. There was a whole bunch that sucked too, but those are some of the good ones. So if you like rap or rock then I highly suggest you check those artists out!!

Kimball5000

fairy tales

2007-09-16T23:21:00.001-07:00

I'm in this life alone.. we all are. Yes, I've spent my life so far chasing the fairy tale of having one person who will always be there for me no matter what, but fairy tales ain't real. And this is real life. I've accepted reality. And reality is that people change, people lie to you, people will try to lead you to believe things just to get something out of you. It seems at times like somebody is truly "there for you" but you can never really know!! In the end, all we have is ourselves. Life ain't nothing to be taken seriously really, or at least it shouldn't have to be. It's not as if we are going to live forever.. we are temporary. It's okay to get close to people.. but it's stupid to get attached to people!! I've adopted the attitude of "me against the world".... and "keep your enemies closer". And by no means should you EVER trust anybody! I'm not saying you shouldn't ACT like you trust them.. just don't put yourself in any situation where they could fuck you over no matter how well you think you know them. Because only one thing is certain in life and that is that your are never certain about anything. Which kinda goes back on itself but you get it. It is never necessary to have a bad attitude or outlook because you never know where exactly your day will go. It's just important to look at life how it is and not how we want it to be. Because fairy tales are lies. Nothing but lies told to us as children that we have to escape as adults.

^sorry, but sometimes I just write my thoughts and it comes out as a rant...^ but yea... love yall!!

Kimball5000

pissed off at first.. the it gets a lil emo.. then pissed again

2007-09-14T21:56:00.000-07:00

Isn't it shitty that everyone usually turns out to be shitty people?? I'm not gonna say any NAMES but this one person -in particular- is a shitty shit talking little bitch and on top of that a fucking meth head!! Those are two of the lowest types of trashy ass people that there are in this world and he's both of them!! And if he don't watch the fuck out he might just get what is fucking coming to him!! He's gonna regret making me look bad that's for sure!! ANd in addition to that little bitch, I know a certain immature bitch!! Immature people need to fucking grow up. Why do people raise their children to keep them confused and stupid? They should all be fucking shot asap!
But anyway...! On top of those drama bitches, I haven't talked to Brian in a week. Usually I can just tell him whatever is bothering me and he makes me feel better... BUT as of right now it costs $2.50 to talk to him for fifeteen minutes, so seeing as we're both poor it ain't gonna happen. And I was thinking about all the people I got close to in my life and then just pushed away... I don't always know if I made the right decision. But there's nothing I can do about it now I guess. What's done is done and hopefully it was for the best... or at least I'll try to think of it that way. And I can't find my pipe so I can't even smoke away all my problems right now.. which is mainly just being mad at the world and at myself... for everything I've done, and everything I learned WAY too late. And everything I allowed to happen to me and how I allowed people to treat me... and the fact that I still allow old shit to get to me and can't just put away the goddamn past. And the one person who understands is in jail... for a very long time.. for something stupid!! while I've known people who went to jail for spousal abuse and sexual assualt and they got ALOT less time!!! Isn't that fucked up?!

Here's something I wrote just now that kinda goes with this:

Yes, I've been hurt
I've been frustrated with life
I've felt misubderstood
I've slipped or done something equally as embarrasing
I've learned lessons WAY too late
and there have been times when I didn't know who my *true* friends were
I've been unsure
I've second-guessed myself
I've felt regret
I know what it's like to feel truly hopeless
BUT
I've loved and been loved
I've brushed things off
I did learn eventually
And you're prally just like me!!!

relationship theory

2007-09-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

To some people, it's a mystery why some relationships work and others just fall apart. I feel people want whatever they cannot have. If something runs away, it is our nature to chase it. Which is why every woman I've ever met pretty much falls all over themselves over guys that are a little bit of an asshole to them or who couldn't care less if they ever see them again. And I often see girls put themselves out there and make it perfectly clear to a guy that he could have her if he wanted her and the same thing happens every single time: he loses all his interest in her! I guess it's just no longer a challenge if someone makes it that easy for someone else. And if it's not a challenge then it's not interesting. I've noticed that if I don't care about somebody at all then they just work harder to get my attention. But if I participate in trying to get me and this person together then they might lose their interest. My male friends almost always want me and only because I don't want them. Sometimes we are attracted to bad qualities as well as good qualities. The reason women often love asshole dudes is because that is a very attractive quality. As much as they say they want "nice guys", they are wrong and do not know what they want. Because once they do date that nice guy, they'll get frustrated because they just can't feel the way about him as they did about the guy that treated them like shit. In a way, I want to date someone who dosen't always want to hang out with me and dosen't always have time for me and acts like they don't care about me sometimes because it keeps me interested in them. There's no challenge when you know you got the upperhand all the time. It's why "absence makes the heart grow fonder", because of the challenge of trying to be with this person bonds you to them in a way. I've known alot of girls who have started dating a guy and then she makes him her whole goddamn world and her "#1" and the guy breaks up with her 2 weeks into the relationship. If I'm dating somebody and they act they are completely in love with me right away then it just seems like they do that with every girl. Which they probably do. Those are just people who want to have somebody and it's nothing special about you in particular. I have seen both men and women who are like that. But I see the most in young females, ones who are like 15-17 years old. That's why it pisses me off when I see these guys (like 19-25 yrs old) having sex with girls that young, because those girls are nowhere near being mature in their sexuality and if they are going to have sex it's usually to make a guy happy and they think it will make him like her. And they act like they like it by moaning and screaming when really it dosen't even feel good to them. And they view sex as something that their man has to earn from them- not as something to just enjoy. And what happens every single time a girl that young is having sex? She gets her heart broken. I've never seen it not happen. They are not mature enough to separate sex with their feelings for a person. So they guy is just thinking "fuck and run" and she thinks they "had something special".
Some people wonder why other people seem to be just people that get fallen in love with and really the only thing that would make the one person different from the other person is because the one person dosen't care about whoever is trying to get with them. They are focused on themselves and their own finacial independence. They are attractive because they give you the sense that they don't need you and so you know that they are not using you in any way. Like when someone always talks about needing "help" and relys on their families or husband/wife or anybody else to do things for them, it's annoying and makes them less attractive. If someone dosen't need you but still enjoys having you around, then you get hooked on them. Especially if you get the feeling that they would leave you if you did anything wrong at all in the relationship or disrespected them even a little. Because it shows that they have pride. And for some reason pride is really sexy. Like I said, people like a challenge and if you make someone feel like you like them but they could lose you at any moment- you're a challenge.
I'm writting this because I was thinking about why some people make me want to be with them and others I couldn't have feelings for if I tried. Alot of times confidence is why someone falls for someone else. If they act like they are confident with theselves no matter what you think of them, it makes them very attractive. And that just goes back to not needing you- they don't need your approval. You can convince anybody that you are great if you just act like you're great. They'll believe the attitude you have about yourself. If you're confident, then you like yourself. So therefore others will believe that you are likable and like you too. Another thing that makes it more interesting is when someone makes someone else chase them a little bit. If they feel like they "almost got it" but arn't quite there yet, they'll do anything to get it. If they make it too easy then it's no fun.
I got more to say on this subject but it's like 3am and I got to be at work at 6am so peace out!!

2007-09-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

love ain't always easy

2007-09-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

I wrote all these poems about the same person... it's funny to me that I have so many things go through my head but yet when I write poetry it's always inspired by the same person...

Yea, I know I'm blind
but I can still see what your doing
and, yea, I know I'm stupid
I'll bet that's why you thought I didn't know
and, yea, babe, I am short
but I can still see over your lies
so next time you think you fooled me
remember, I don't fool easy

*You*
The lightning struck my confidence
The thunder humbles my pride
The wind blew away my stability
And now... All I have is...
You

Sorry but, you don't love me
cuz you don't even know me
you love the fake me
the me I showed you
and I hate to tell you this babe
but I've played you
I'm overrated
and I ain't no slave for you
and it was never my intention
to hang the noose on your fantasy
but I thought you should know
you're blind, as blind as me
but the worst thing is
that you didn't even know
what I shoved in your face
the love I gave
wasn't the love you would take

It makes me sick to my stomach
like the cancer in yours
so much of my time has been wasted
pacing these floors
if I wasn't too pussy to end it,
I would have been gone long ago

I wish I could tie you down
and force my pain on you
pull up my sleeves
and show you my scars too
I'd dare you to take -me- for granted again

I would never want to drive you away
or blow smoke in your face
but you're the one who made us this way
as crooked as my teeth
and I considered you my friend

It makes me so sick to know
if only I could fix the past
if only we had never met
then I'd be fucking set
but we did
and now I wanna make it work
I could kill myself
for wanting to live

Do you still love me? Yes?
Good!
I hope my memory haunts you to this day
I hope the pain in your chest never goes away
I ain't got no problem
with tears falling down your face
or the heartbreak you feel
when somebody says my name
it's ok with me
if what you did makes you feel dirty
I ain't complaining
it's of no concern to me
if you wanna cry...
then cry!!
cuz if I wanna say goodbye...
I'll say goodbye.

Things I thought about today

2007-09-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

1. "The Bird Theory"
We ain't free. we're very confined in where we can go and how we can move around. Ever notice how birds can go anywhere in any direction? When we think of all the directions we think of the ones on a lateral basis because that's all we can really do. Unless you have enough money for an expensive plane ticket then you can go up in the air for a bit but not at your control unless you're flying the plane. People can get a hint of what true freedom feels like when we swin or when we fly planes but I'm sure that it's not the same. From a brids view, we really are very confined. It's my "bird theory".

2. Religion
As long as there has been humans, there has been religion and "higher powers" that they have worshiped. Religion is nothing but man-made stories and beliefs. It's just basic human psychology. Humans need something to believe in, they need something to help them understand why they are here. And so they eat up anything they are told that helps them answer their questions and helps them feel better about how boring and pathetic their lives are. There are so many religions now and in history and in every single one it's followers honestly believe that they are "right". And why? ONLY because it's what they were told by their parents when they were growing up. It's a case of not having a mind of your own and believing what you're told. Which is why religious people are always very stupid. They just can't understand that it's a psychological thing. If all the religions that are prevelant now somehow just got erased from our collective memories then people would just come up with new ones and believe in them just as much as they did the old ones. Religions really are nothing but cults. They are a bunch of people with no real knowledge or ability to think for themselves so they blindly follow something else. It makes things easy for people. For many people, the act of thinking is a very difficult one that is to be avoided. It's nothing but a matter of having a mind of your own. "A mind of your own" is really a very rare thing. It's funny that what I am saying right now would piss ALOT of people off, but you know what? I guarantee you that anybody who would be pissed off by what I'm saying probally dosen't even completely understand what I'm saying becasue they simply cannot think that far. One thing I have learned in life is this: don't bother trying to tell stupid people that they are stupid, they don't understand.

3. Useless Feelings
You know that feeling that is somewhere between hopelessness and boredom? That feeling you get when you realize that you have nothing in life to look forward to? When you're just going through the motions of living and the whole time you are aware that as much as you work to reach whatever goal we as a species are trying to reach by doing the everyday bullshit we do, it is just going to be the same the next day. And the next day and the next. And eventually you'll die and that will be that. Then opposite of that, there's the feeling that you're "fulfilled". It's when you feel like you can just be yourself and be content with being you and being in your life. That feeling usually follows some type of drug use. Both of those are very strong emotions, but still, I've felt both of those in the last few days. Which makes me wonder... should people just blow off whatever their feeling? If in such a short period of time two very opposite and very strong emotions can be felt by the same person and those emotions are supposed to encompass all of life then you can only come to the conclusion that they shouldn't really be taken seriously. More like, "Hey, this is wierd. I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow?".

4. Cleaning your house
You know how cleaning your house somehow seems to clear your mind of clutter as well? Like how you can sleep better in a clean room? Or if you get rid of all the unnecessary material things in your life (such as old letters from your ex's, underwear that you never actually where, etc.) your life seems much easier to handle? Things just seem more peaceful in a clean house.

my perception of perception

2007-09-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

I have realized something lately. Well, not really lately, it's something I've always known, but I realized what I know, you could say. Or thought about the fact that I know it. I realized that nobody really knows me. I'm not saying they don't know my name or what I look like. And of course they THINK they know me. But what they think is their reality. Everyone has their own reality. They think how each person is and in their reality that's how that person is. Everything they think is true, of course, but only to them. Have you ever noticed how reflections look different from different angles? You look in a mirror standing at one angle from it and, at the same time, somebody else is looking in that mirror standing in a different spot and you both look in the mirror, you're going to see different views of what is reflected in the mirror (as in, one person might see one side of the room and another person see's the reflection of the other side of the room). Even though you're both looking at the same 4x6 foot strectch of mirror. In a way, that's how minds work. And maybe everything we see is completely different in the mind of each person. How do we know any differently? It's completely possible that all the physical things around us look completly different to each person, but there would be paralells with everything so we couldn't know. For example, what you might see as the color blue, somebody else might see as a completely different color but we can't tell because we both call it "blue". Not that they "see it differently" as in their thoughts about it are different, but as in the actual color they are seeing is not the same color. In reality, what I just said is most likely 100% true. Which is wierd as hell to think about because it makes me have to realize that what seems so everyday to one person is different to someone else. I had this thought that if people could switch bodies like they do in the movies, that we could see what other people see but that wouldn't even work because it's in the mind and not in the body. So it's one of those things that, at this point in time, there is no way we could actually know for sure. But based on the ways everything in life has ever gone, what I'm saying has to be right. If it wasn't, then it would be the one thing that varied from that at all. But still, we can't directly prove it. I started writing this trying to say that what everyone I have ever meet thinks of me is completely wrong in every way. Nobody has the right to say anything about me or about anybody, because what they are saying, no matter how real it is to them, is wrong. I just got out of a relationship where I spent pretty much every day for a year with the same person and I can honestly say that person does not know who I am whatsoever. Or maybe I am wrong because that is my perception? Right now, I can say there is one person who "knows" who I really am. That's because one night I just decided to be completely myself around this person and see what they think about it. And when I did that, for the first time in my life, this person started seeing me the way I feel I actually am. NOBODY has ever done that before. I've kinda decided to just be me. I admit that I am a fake person who has always hid parts of my personality, but so is everyone else. For some reason I have always felt that the things I should hide about myself are the good things. Well, I realize now that are good things anyway. I've always thought that I was crazy and wierd. I didn't wan't anyone to know how wierd I am so I acted normal and have never really said what was on my mind. But I know now that I'm not wierd, I'm a thinker. And a writer. And, yea, on the rare occasions when I was younger that I would actually say out loud what I thought about in my head, I would get good reactions from "intelligent" people and be misunderstood by "stupid" people. And, no, those are not how I percieved them after I told them whatever I told them, that's how I percieved before that. And I could tell by how smart I thought they were, how they would take things. Smaller minded people might see more intelligent people as stupid becasue they are too stupid to understand anything intelligent. I have always considered myself to be intelligent but if I think about it like that then I realize that their is a possiblity that I'm so stupid that I think I'm smart and all the people I consider to be essentially "stupid" are very intelligent but I'm too stupid to see that and I am just misunderstanding their genius. Of course, alot of people do think I am stupid. These are all people that I have hid my true self from though, because I thought I was so afraid of everyone thinking I was "wierd" that I counterproductively made people think I was wierd. And stupid. And I've realized that I gotta change that. Anything I say or write here is going to be percived in a different way by anyone who might hear or read it and they all are going to think that they understand- but that is the case in everything anybody says. Our langauge, and probaly any language, is not adequate enough to not be misunderstood all the time. Some may think that the human species is very intelligent for creating and using language but I think our human langauges are very inadequate. If there are really aliens out there somewhere who are much more advanced than us, then they would probably have langauges that can always describe exactly what they are trying to say and every other alien understands exactly. But that dosen't happen with our langauges yet, we are just not that advanced. But I hope anybody who might read this gets what I say. All I'm trying to say is everyone's perception is different and but it's real to them. My family has always thought that I'm an anorexic, drug-addict. Which is very far from the truth and I don't see any evidence for them to think that, other than they came to that conclusion but I never showed them who I really am. If you hide, people will assume it's because you've got something to hide. I always thought I had something to hide, but I didn't know what it was I had. This is all MY perception and, who knows, I could be completely wrong because mabye all that is just my reality and that's why it's real to me even though it's not real at all. If anybody wants to tell me their thoughts on this subject, I wanna hear them.

there ain't no changes

2007-08-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

people trying to keep us confused
ain't nobody really trying to help you
we're all slaves
getting whipped by life and money every single day
we gotta live by their rules
there ain't nothing we can do
it don't matter if you're smart
as long as you look the part
there ain't no changes

I'll just be thinking about life and I'll feel so fucking hopeless. Life is life and nothing will ever change that. There's no such thing as "fair", it's a utopian concept. Nothing matters in this world if it "just is" that way, you gotta have something to show for it. It don't matter if you're smart and it don't matter if you know your shit. You gotta have a degree in that particular thing or some specific experience in it for anybody to take you seriously. School isn't and never has been about intelligence or knowledge of anything at all. It's about test scores and grades. The dumbest most retarded people I know can get good grades and test scores but yet I still know very intelligent people who can't. Grades don't measure intelligence. When getting a job, it dosen't matter if you know you could do the job better than any other applicant, the one who gets the job is gonna be somebody that looks as if they can do the job well. Everyone I know considers me to be a stupid person... in reality I'm prally the smartest person I know. But that dosen't matter because I look stupid or, I should say, I look like what a stupid person is considered to look like. On top of that, I pretty much censor what I say. Which is part of the reason I started writting in this blog: because I decided I'm gonna try to say what I actually think more often. On the rare occasion where I felt comfortable enough with a person to tell them what I think about, I've always earned that persons respect. I've also realized that I hide anything I'm good at. For example: I've always been good with words and writting and poetry. Throughout all my school years, junior high through the end of high school, I wrote so many poems that were prally really fucking great ass poems but I never showed them to anyone and threw them all away. I just always had such low self-esteem that I figured anything I did had to suck. Looking back, if I had kept them all, I'm sure I could have gotten a book published. I figured from now on I'm not gonna hide any talents of mine or be shy about them. People are still gonna judge and think whatever they are looking to think but that's how it goes and that's how it will always go. So fuck it. All that matters in our society is money. There is nothing nobody can do about that. And if you arn't born with money then you better start working your ass off from day one if wanna live even just decent. You can't waste to much time with "being", you gotta spend as much time as possible "doing". You just gotta have something to show for it. Everyone takes a blinf eye to reality. It's too complicated of a subject to look at things how they are. So we all look at things how we're told they are. Or look at how we looked at something in the past that was similar to it. We're all afraid of change. Which makes complete sense. People are afraid of anything that we're not completely sure about. It's the reason why we live by systems and governments. And it's the reason we rebel against systems and governments. Fear is a good thing to have to some extent, but don't you think fear rules us more than we realize?

If you think about it, we all really are slaves. Money is our our slave owner, our lives are our plantaion. We work for money our whole lives. But money just represents something deeper into the fabric of how society works. No group of humans have ever in the history of the world lived without a form of currency. It represents a need to be ruled. And it represents a need to put values on both things and people. We all have a value in this world and all of us common people are just taking up space and not worth anything really. Even though without the worthless people, the "high worth" people wouldn't know what the fuck to do because it's the lowly people that do everything for them so that they can live the way they do. I guess it's what you would call "working for the man". "The man" being whoever has money and, therefore, power and worth. Money is a material item that exists to materialize a concept. It's another example of that "something to show for it" idea I mentioned earlier. And, once again, has nothing to do with reality. In a way you could say there is two realities. The one that just has to be because those are just the rules of how we live and the one that we dream about. Dreaming ain't good for shit. Dreamers kill themselves. Or get killed. It all goes back to fear and change. And the fear of change. Fear is change and change is fear. And there ain't no changes.

I fainted today.

2007-08-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

Here's something I can add to my life's experiences: I can now honestly say that I have fainted. Not blacked out, not passed out. Actually fainted. Like in the movies. It was prally the result of not eating or sleeping for 24 hours straight... combined with alot of stress and being really stoned off some wierd ass weed.... which did not taste right at all. It's got me tripping though for real because SHIT that's the type of shit that kills brain cells. And it was just one of the wierder medical experiences I've ever had for sure. I felt all dizzy and my vision was going blurry. My vision has always been shitty and has gone blurry for shorts amount of time many times before so at first I wasn't thinking too much of it but it was way fucking worse this time. It was getting REAL bad and I started straight up slapping myself in the face because I felt like I was going blind and about to pass out. I completely lost all my vision, which was pretty scary and I tried to tell my brother (who was there) something like "hey, dude, there's something fucking wrong with me!" but I absolutely could not talk. I didn't really have ANY control over my body at all. I realized I was falling but I couldn't move, so I couldn't do anything about it like put my arms out to catch myself. So there I was fucking fainted on the floor, my vision came back but my hearing was fucked up. My brother was talking but it sounded like he was really far away instead of right next to me. My stomach felt horrible. I was like "goddamn take me home or something" and we tried to leave but the same thing happened a second time right outside the apartment. Later I was told that the neighbor had seen me but at the time I had no idea. I felt so stupid. So I've been fucking tripping out over that all goddamm daybecause shit like that never happen to me. I wonder if I should be worried about it?

a bunch of related points...

2007-08-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

A fact of life: It is goddamn hard to get a job. Unless you have the shitload of education and experience, getting a job is much harder than working one. I've always thought that maybe the reason I had such a hard time in the job market is because I'm a short female with a high pitched voice and a large chest. My amount of education and experience dosen't matter to much at the type of jobs I've tried to get because I just lie on the application and they don't check that shit (no matter what you think). Though my stereotypes defiantly work against me, maybe they're really just excuses... it's hard for everybody to get a job isn't it? Black people will say they can't get one because they're black, women will say it's because they're a woman, etc. I guess all I gotta do right now is just work my ass off, don't give up, give follow up calls, lie on applications, and do interviews as best as I can to try to make a good impression. It'll work eventually.... I'll eventually get hired for some crap-ass job that pays shitty but I'll take the job anyway because I'll be getting more money than I am now for sitting on my ass. How are people expected to live off minimum wage? You can't pay your rent, utility bills, phone bill, car payments, and get groceries and other things you need like gas at minimum wage no matter how many hours you work! Why does our country spend billions of dollars on a war when they could use that money to raise minimum wage? I think people deserve to live alot better than that what an average person does. If you work all day at some job that drives you crazy but still work hard AND keep a smile on your face and do what you're told all day to make a living, you deserve enough to live off of. But I guess it's societal nature to be the way it is. There is always going to be war and they're is always going to be poor people. I'm not saying everyone should be rich, just comfortable. But I guess that wouldn't work because at one time minimum wage now would have been considered more than enough to live off of. If everyone magically made more money one day then the price of living would go up and it would all even itself out. If you remove the lower class than the class just above it would become the lower class.. there's no way around it. It's how it will always be and how it's always been. I guess I started writing this with the thought in mind that I just wish I could get a job, ANY job, much less a decent one. I don't want to live off anybody else or depend on anybody else... I have too much pride to feel okay with that. I guess it's a case of just making it work, ya know? It makes since why they say " that's just life". Because things will always be the same in a society. If that many people are brought together there's only one dynamic that works, and that's the one that every society ever has used. All societies need a common enemy and they all need to be controled. They all need a government and the people at the top of the government need to be men. As much as I hate to say that it's true. Can you imagine what would happen if it was all women running a country? It's not at all a problem with the women rulers themselves because they are just as capable as any man is. It's how the people would react. A female president would have to end poverty and cure cancer to get any respect at all. Okay, that's exaggerating but you know what I mean. But I don't want to dwell on that subject so all I'm saying is there are ways that societies fall into and it's normal and any other way just would not work. I just wish that there were so many jobs that everyone could easily get one... but I shouldn't wish for that because then there would be a shortage in workers instead of a shortage in jobs. And that would just cause even more problems than the current situation. Here's a theory: what if something was invented or developed that caused a huge demand for employees worldwide? But then I think about that and realize that happens often. Computers and the internet are examples of that. Every theory people think up on a daily basis can most likely be proven to already be reality most of the time. And it's prally gonna be that most of the far-fetched theories that seem completely ludacris will prally end up being proven some time in the distant future. Everything most likely already exists... maybe even right in front of our eyes... and we can't really see it. Everything is related and everything works together. No matter what it is and no matter how unrelated they seem. Every single second of every single day, every even small decision changes the future of the world. Because it may cause something to happen slighty differently (such as walking here instead of walking there) which cause something else to happen and it branches off and no matter what you do, no matter what everyone does, it's highly effectual. Or maybe because every little thing is this way with everybody that goes back on itself and makes it essentially ineffectual. And everything is going to happen in it's way anyway. Because the basics of life that I was talking about earlier are going the stay the same... so everything else is just the particular order and circumstance that the "fringe" goes by. By "fringe" I mean all the excess life that's just gonna happen, outside of the way things have to happen. Details, I guess. But if I got more to say on this subject I'll add more later because I'm TIRED! later!